BREAKING NEWS: DUMBLEDORE IS STRAIGHT

Early this morning, during a press release, special correspondent Rita Skeeter revealed that deceased Hogwarts Headmaster, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, considered one of the greatest wizards of modern times, is in fact of the heterosexual orientation. Professor Dumbledore is known for his defeat of dark wizard Gellert Grindelwald in 1945, a man who was perceived to be his first love. He also was famous for his discovery of the twelve uses of dragon’s blood and his work on alchemy with Nicholas Flamel.

At a young age, Dumbledore befriended Godric’s Hollow neighbor Grindelwald. They were united by their mutual dreams of finding the Deathly Hallows and conquering the wizarding world for the “greater good,” together. Following Dumbledore’s tragic death at the hands of Severus Snape, he was widely believed to be of the homosexual orientation. A year ago, Sybill Trelawny, great-great-granddaughter of the celebrated seer Cassandra Trelawney and professor of Divination, revealed that she had a “vision” of Dumbledore’s true nature. Not long after that, Gilderoy Lockhart, author of Magical Me, published a tell-all novel of his time at Hogwarts, which mentioned his (now proven false) accusations that Dumbledore made sexual advances towards him.

“Its bloody ridiculous that this git could make such a stupid comment about Dumbledore,” complained Auror Ron Weasley, previous student of Dumbledore. “That nutter has never spoken a true word in his entire pathetic life.”

After Harry Potter’s defeat of dark wizard Voldemort this June, Minerva McGonagall, longtime colleague of Dumbledore, was forced to take veritaserum, the “truth” potion, in order for the ministry to determine the truth of what happened that night, and what led up to it. In the interview, when asked of her relationship with Dumbledore, she revealed the truth of his sexuality. Apparently, throughout their long time friendship, their relationship grew to be something more than “just colleagues.” Their escapades included late night rendezvous in the Room of Requirement and secret trips to the astronomy tower to gaze at the stars.

Needless to say, this revelation brings up questions of what the other Hogwarts teachers might be doing at night. It makes us ponder the existence of illegitimate children who might be the result of this clandestine affair and heir to Dumbledore’s fortune of unique treasures and considerable wealth.